I'm upset. I shouldn't be at this point but I am. I had a phone call about a month ago asking me to go in to see my consultants second in command. It rocked me a bit, I wasn't expecting it, but the person on the phone said they were contacting everyone who had an outstanding colonoscopy appointment and I was one of them. I knew I was, it was due back in February but with NHS cuts and the huge backlog, I was told it would take longer.
I didn't know what to expect really. I hoped that I'd get there and would be told that because the MRI and CT scans were satisfactory back in February, no colonoscopy was needed. It didn't go that way at all.
The consultant told me that everyone was being seen who was waiting for a colonoscopy to assess whether one was actually needed. Oh good I thought, maybe I DO get a reprieve, before he went on to say that, in my case, I definitely needed one. I was disappointed. He said that, as I have been previously diagnosed with cancer, it had to be checked. I explained that I didn't manage to have the last colonoscopy due to the excruciating pain. I hoped this would mean he would book me in for a colonography instead. The prep is still needed for this and the procedure isn't great, but it's far better to cope with than a colonoscopy.
He checked through my records. He read through what he had written after my last colonoscopy. "You definitely won't be able to have a colonoscopy without being put under local anaesthetic" he said. "I have made a note that, the pain was so severe that I felt I would never be able to do a successful colonoscopy on you so you will need to go down to theatre and be knocked out". I've struggled with this all day since. Firstly, I'm terrified something will be found, of course I am, I've been here before. Secondly, I don't want to be knocked out (although not having the pain is a bonus) because this is like an operation in itself and I may well need to stay in hospital overnight. Not great, but I'm starting to get my head around it and I will have to do it whatever, so there is no point complaining. Apparently, if I was in England I could be given a great drug which would knock me out during a normal routine colonoscopy. No theatre, no sickness or feeling ill afterwards, just knocked our for 10 minutes and then home. NHS Wales do not offer this. I could have it done privately at a cost of £14,500. This is massive money and £12,000 more that a colonoscopy would generally cost so I can only assume the huge money is the cost of the wonderful drug. So that's not going to happen.
The dreaded Prep. I've had several now and I absolutely cannot face it, but I'll have to. The waiting around for the phone calls afterwards, I absolutely cannot face it, but I'll have to. The thought of being told I have cancer again, I absolutely cannot face it.. but again I will have to man up and do all of these things. It won't be easy.
Saturday 20 October 2018
Monday 15 October 2018
Friends Will Be Friends
I lost touch with my best friend. I don't know how it happened. We met when we moved to a village in the Cotswolds and she lived there with her husband. We hit it off right away and we had the most fabulous times together. Dawn and Frank moved out of the village after a few years but we stayed in touch for a while and then, sadly, it all sort of slid away. I'm not sure either of us fully know why we lost touch but as with all people who lose touch, time seems to move on and it feels harder and harder to actually make contact again. I missed having Dawn around to chat to when I got my diagnosis mainly because I knew she wouldn't let me down like other people had. The fact is that she never let me down, ever.
It was me who finally got in touch. I didn't even know if she would have the same phone number or if I still had it on my phone because with new phones and bad backups I'd lost a lot of stuff.
There was actually no way I could NOT have contacted her. While we were still texting each other, Dawn and Frank's grandson, Sam, got a brain tumour. It was shocking. He was only about 18 months old. I don't know how they coped with the shock of it all. I still don't know how they coped. When we lost touch I often wondered how Sam was doing. He had been doing well, but I knew the long term diagnosis wasn't great and I worried about them all from time to time.
I was on Facebook one day when it came up with 'people you might know' and one of those people was Dawn's daughter. I clicked in to see if I could find anything out about Sam and with only a little bit of scrolling I was stopped in my tracks. Sam had lost his battle in October the previous year. 3 months ago in fact. I was so upset. I spoke to Mark about it and he said I had to contact Dawn. I felt awkward, I didn't know if she would even want to speak to me after the long gap. For a few hours I couldn't get it off my mind. We were out in the car talking about Dawn and Frank and wondering just how awful things must be for them. I decided to text her. I found a number which I hoped would still be in use and I sent the text.
About half an hour later a text came back. Dawn told me what had happened, how Sam had been abroad for Proton Therapy, how they had raised £90,000 for him to go. The whole thing was so heartbreaking. It changed Dawn and Frank's life that's for sure. The biggest thing in all of this was that, I still loved my lovely friend. My heart broke for her and it didn't feel that we had lost touch at all. She sent lots of photos of beautiful Sam. He was gorgeous with or without hair. Over the next days we exchanged lots of texts and I caught up on all of Sam's short life. I cried all the time. Every text was painful. They had all been through so much, every type of hell imaginable. Sam had done very well after Proton Therapy. He actually went back to school and had a fairly normal life for 2 years and I have no doubt that his family hoped that it would last and he would continue to do well..but cancer being the bastard that it is came back. There can be no crueler cancer than one that takes a child. The pain of losing that beautiful boy will last forever. We talk about him often, Dawn and I. Mark and I talk about him too. He is our friend's grandson and he will always be a part of our lives.
So my tests this year took a very different turn because I had the support of Dawn. She text me the morning of my MRI and said I'm with you every step today. She told me to think of Sam having to go through the MRI scanner and said, if he can do it so can you. I had not been able to go through the first MRI the previous year and the second one I had to do on my belly so I didn't feel so claustrophobic. I was expecting this MRI to be the same (on my belly) but no.. when I got there they said they couldn't do it that way and I had to go through on my front. It freaked me out a bit but I thought of Dawn's words and I thought of Sam.. and between them, Sam and Dawn got me through the machine that day.
She hasn't let me down. I knew she wouldn't. She doesn't care if I moan about things, she moans with me. It's a proper friendship where we can say what we like, be annoyed about people, be happy, be sad, be angry. We love a gossip, what sort of friends would we be if we didn't! It doesn't matter what I say to Dawn, she has always got my back and I have always and forever got hers. Real friends do not come along very often in life, sometimes not at all so I cherish what I have. I'll never lose touch again.
It was me who finally got in touch. I didn't even know if she would have the same phone number or if I still had it on my phone because with new phones and bad backups I'd lost a lot of stuff.
There was actually no way I could NOT have contacted her. While we were still texting each other, Dawn and Frank's grandson, Sam, got a brain tumour. It was shocking. He was only about 18 months old. I don't know how they coped with the shock of it all. I still don't know how they coped. When we lost touch I often wondered how Sam was doing. He had been doing well, but I knew the long term diagnosis wasn't great and I worried about them all from time to time.
I was on Facebook one day when it came up with 'people you might know' and one of those people was Dawn's daughter. I clicked in to see if I could find anything out about Sam and with only a little bit of scrolling I was stopped in my tracks. Sam had lost his battle in October the previous year. 3 months ago in fact. I was so upset. I spoke to Mark about it and he said I had to contact Dawn. I felt awkward, I didn't know if she would even want to speak to me after the long gap. For a few hours I couldn't get it off my mind. We were out in the car talking about Dawn and Frank and wondering just how awful things must be for them. I decided to text her. I found a number which I hoped would still be in use and I sent the text.
About half an hour later a text came back. Dawn told me what had happened, how Sam had been abroad for Proton Therapy, how they had raised £90,000 for him to go. The whole thing was so heartbreaking. It changed Dawn and Frank's life that's for sure. The biggest thing in all of this was that, I still loved my lovely friend. My heart broke for her and it didn't feel that we had lost touch at all. She sent lots of photos of beautiful Sam. He was gorgeous with or without hair. Over the next days we exchanged lots of texts and I caught up on all of Sam's short life. I cried all the time. Every text was painful. They had all been through so much, every type of hell imaginable. Sam had done very well after Proton Therapy. He actually went back to school and had a fairly normal life for 2 years and I have no doubt that his family hoped that it would last and he would continue to do well..but cancer being the bastard that it is came back. There can be no crueler cancer than one that takes a child. The pain of losing that beautiful boy will last forever. We talk about him often, Dawn and I. Mark and I talk about him too. He is our friend's grandson and he will always be a part of our lives.
So my tests this year took a very different turn because I had the support of Dawn. She text me the morning of my MRI and said I'm with you every step today. She told me to think of Sam having to go through the MRI scanner and said, if he can do it so can you. I had not been able to go through the first MRI the previous year and the second one I had to do on my belly so I didn't feel so claustrophobic. I was expecting this MRI to be the same (on my belly) but no.. when I got there they said they couldn't do it that way and I had to go through on my front. It freaked me out a bit but I thought of Dawn's words and I thought of Sam.. and between them, Sam and Dawn got me through the machine that day.
She hasn't let me down. I knew she wouldn't. She doesn't care if I moan about things, she moans with me. It's a proper friendship where we can say what we like, be annoyed about people, be happy, be sad, be angry. We love a gossip, what sort of friends would we be if we didn't! It doesn't matter what I say to Dawn, she has always got my back and I have always and forever got hers. Real friends do not come along very often in life, sometimes not at all so I cherish what I have. I'll never lose touch again.
Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now
I can't believe it's been over a year since I last posted to this blog. It's not that things haven't been happening in my life but it's been nice not be be 100% consumed by cancer, and blogging just brings it to the forefront again.
The worst thing has been trying to deal with severe anxiety (I know I've gone on about this before) which I really DO think was partly brought on by my cancer diagnosis.I feel bad even saying that because I know so far, I have been one of the lucky ones. I still go back to hospital every 6 months to see the cancer nurses and I have had further MRI and CT scans with more to come in February, but these are just checks at the moment. They are keeping an eye on everything. Does it make me feel better? I'm certainly in a better place than I was this time last year. Better? No. My life has changed. I'm frightened and anxious in equal measures. The anxiety started earlier this year when the scans and appointments started up again. Waiting for phone calls was just too much to cope with. I think it was because of how bad that wait had been last year and I just pre-empted everything. Those withheld calls started coming in where you know it's the hospital and dreading what they will say. I would't wish those feelings on anyone.
It started off quite well. I had the MRI and CT scan on the same day and then a week later I saw the cancer nurses. I was told that the CT scan results were back and they were clear so that was extremely good news. I was shown the computer screen where the MRI result would be and was told that had yet to come back but they said, had it come back, they would be able to tell me the results. I had a blood test that day to check for bowel cancer pointers. The following week the nurse rang me as promised and said that the blood test was fine - all good! I asked about the MRI scan and was told it had come back but hadn't been checked so they couldn't tell me anything. This threw me into a panic because the previous week I was told they COULD tell me so the next half an hour consisted of me having the worst sort of panic attack where I convinced myself that there was something serious on the MRI scan and that was the reason they were avoiding having a conversation with me. I rang the cancer nurse back and explained I was worried after being told they would tell me on the phone. Apparently the nurse I usually deal with wasn't there, it was Friday at 4PM and my consultant wasn't in the building. I would have to wait a week. By now I was really stressing. 10 minutes later the nurse rang back, said she had seen my consultant in the corridor and he had quickly checked my MRI and it was fine. I was of course relieved but it all seemed odd. The consultant wasn't in the building half an hour ago and now, in the middle of a corridor he had been able to assess my MRI scan? Whatever the reasons, I was glad to get the results.
The anxiety continued though. It was difficult to live a normal day and I didn't really know why. I was a cow during this time and I don't know how my husband put up with it because he was really the only person who fully knew about it and he bore the brunt of it. I DID tell a friend and a relative but both went missing as they had done when I got my original diagnosis. Lesson learned this time though. I won't be confiding in either again.
Back in December, my beloved Westie, Maisy, had to be put to sleep. She was 16. She had been with me through good and bad times and I felt had been my only friend at some points in my life. I loved her. Although I knew the end was close and she had not been well, it was still hard to deal with her loss and I took it very badly. Looking back, I think losing her was probably more the cause of my severe anxiety and the cancer checks just added to it all. I can honestly say a day has not gone by in that 10 months where I haven't thought about her and I could count on my one hand the days I haven't actually cried. It has been like losing a family member which of course, is exactly what is it. I will miss her until the day I die. It's been hard living without her but I won't be having another dog. I cannot replace her and wouldn't wish to. The one thing that I really couldn't deal with during my initial diagnosis was the thought of dying and leaving Maisy behind. She will be my last dog. However, the happiest time of my life was walking her for miles in the countryside. We had the best of times Maisy and me. I look back knowing she couldn't have had a better life than the one we gave her and I also know my life was much better for having her in it. Yes, I'm still devastated by her loss and it's been so hard dealing with it, but she deserves to be missed. She also deserves more than a paragraph in this blog, but it's upsetting me so much and I can't see through all the tears.
She will be running in those cornfields forever.
The worst thing has been trying to deal with severe anxiety (I know I've gone on about this before) which I really DO think was partly brought on by my cancer diagnosis.I feel bad even saying that because I know so far, I have been one of the lucky ones. I still go back to hospital every 6 months to see the cancer nurses and I have had further MRI and CT scans with more to come in February, but these are just checks at the moment. They are keeping an eye on everything. Does it make me feel better? I'm certainly in a better place than I was this time last year. Better? No. My life has changed. I'm frightened and anxious in equal measures. The anxiety started earlier this year when the scans and appointments started up again. Waiting for phone calls was just too much to cope with. I think it was because of how bad that wait had been last year and I just pre-empted everything. Those withheld calls started coming in where you know it's the hospital and dreading what they will say. I would't wish those feelings on anyone.
It started off quite well. I had the MRI and CT scan on the same day and then a week later I saw the cancer nurses. I was told that the CT scan results were back and they were clear so that was extremely good news. I was shown the computer screen where the MRI result would be and was told that had yet to come back but they said, had it come back, they would be able to tell me the results. I had a blood test that day to check for bowel cancer pointers. The following week the nurse rang me as promised and said that the blood test was fine - all good! I asked about the MRI scan and was told it had come back but hadn't been checked so they couldn't tell me anything. This threw me into a panic because the previous week I was told they COULD tell me so the next half an hour consisted of me having the worst sort of panic attack where I convinced myself that there was something serious on the MRI scan and that was the reason they were avoiding having a conversation with me. I rang the cancer nurse back and explained I was worried after being told they would tell me on the phone. Apparently the nurse I usually deal with wasn't there, it was Friday at 4PM and my consultant wasn't in the building. I would have to wait a week. By now I was really stressing. 10 minutes later the nurse rang back, said she had seen my consultant in the corridor and he had quickly checked my MRI and it was fine. I was of course relieved but it all seemed odd. The consultant wasn't in the building half an hour ago and now, in the middle of a corridor he had been able to assess my MRI scan? Whatever the reasons, I was glad to get the results.
The anxiety continued though. It was difficult to live a normal day and I didn't really know why. I was a cow during this time and I don't know how my husband put up with it because he was really the only person who fully knew about it and he bore the brunt of it. I DID tell a friend and a relative but both went missing as they had done when I got my original diagnosis. Lesson learned this time though. I won't be confiding in either again.
Back in December, my beloved Westie, Maisy, had to be put to sleep. She was 16. She had been with me through good and bad times and I felt had been my only friend at some points in my life. I loved her. Although I knew the end was close and she had not been well, it was still hard to deal with her loss and I took it very badly. Looking back, I think losing her was probably more the cause of my severe anxiety and the cancer checks just added to it all. I can honestly say a day has not gone by in that 10 months where I haven't thought about her and I could count on my one hand the days I haven't actually cried. It has been like losing a family member which of course, is exactly what is it. I will miss her until the day I die. It's been hard living without her but I won't be having another dog. I cannot replace her and wouldn't wish to. The one thing that I really couldn't deal with during my initial diagnosis was the thought of dying and leaving Maisy behind. She will be my last dog. However, the happiest time of my life was walking her for miles in the countryside. We had the best of times Maisy and me. I look back knowing she couldn't have had a better life than the one we gave her and I also know my life was much better for having her in it. Yes, I'm still devastated by her loss and it's been so hard dealing with it, but she deserves to be missed. She also deserves more than a paragraph in this blog, but it's upsetting me so much and I can't see through all the tears.
She will be running in those cornfields forever.
Wednesday 30 August 2017
The C Word
I made the mistake of watching The C word again last night. I say mistake, but that's not taking anything away from the wonderful writing of Lisa Lynch or her fight to beat cancer. I've no doubt she's an absolute inspiration to a lot of people who either have had their own cancer battle or are going through it all now. It also takes nothing away from the always brilliant Sheridan Smith who was fabulous in the part as she is in every part she ever does. It just becomes a very personal drama when you watch it after your own cancer diagnosis. It frightened me and and inspired me in equal measures. My brother never watches anything concerning cancer since his own diagnosis. I remember texting him during Comic Relief once to see if he was watching one of the short films about a family struggling after the mother/wife had died. My brother told me he never watched anything like that any more because he'd got plenty of crap to occupy his mind without giving him further ideas or images to fill his head.
My husband, forever with his head in the sand, went to bed halfway through the C word. Seeing Lisa's husband and family come to terms with her diagnosis made me wonder just what my husband is thinking but one thing I know for sure is that he will not be thinking I will die one day and he will certainly not be thinking 'I should chat to her about this'!!!
Lisa made me laugh. She'd like that I think. She also made me cry. I wonder why the consultant said her brain tumour had shrunk and to have a break from treatment for a few months? One of those wait and see situations that I find myself in at the moment so it touched a raw nerve. I DO worry what will be the situation when I go back in what is now 2 and a half months. Oh yes, I'm counting the days. I've put it all to the back of my mind for most of the time but periodically I feel the panic wash over me and I'm back in the real world again worrying about everything.
I've met a couple of people online who also have cancer. They are from different forums but both a huge support. There is something about speaking to people who are in the same boat. They are the only ones who fully understand the trials and tribulations of it all. No matter what you say or how bad or mental any thoughts are they just accept it without telling you your going mad or to pull yourself together. In fact, they usually say, I've felt like that or I've done that. They make me feel normal.
As for Lisa, it's one of those situations like watching The Great Escape where no matter how often you watch, you hope Steve McQueen gets over the fence on that bloody motorbike. It's the same with Lisa, you hope the outcome is different for her even though you know it isn't. I'm glad the film doesn't show her in the hospice lying there waiting to die. The very best thing about The C Word is Lisa's zest for life. Yes her life was far too short and her family are struggling still (and always will) but what a mark she made on us in that short life and just how many people has she helped? Next time I open a bottle of wine Lisa Lynch I will raise a glass to you.
My husband, forever with his head in the sand, went to bed halfway through the C word. Seeing Lisa's husband and family come to terms with her diagnosis made me wonder just what my husband is thinking but one thing I know for sure is that he will not be thinking I will die one day and he will certainly not be thinking 'I should chat to her about this'!!!
Lisa made me laugh. She'd like that I think. She also made me cry. I wonder why the consultant said her brain tumour had shrunk and to have a break from treatment for a few months? One of those wait and see situations that I find myself in at the moment so it touched a raw nerve. I DO worry what will be the situation when I go back in what is now 2 and a half months. Oh yes, I'm counting the days. I've put it all to the back of my mind for most of the time but periodically I feel the panic wash over me and I'm back in the real world again worrying about everything.
I've met a couple of people online who also have cancer. They are from different forums but both a huge support. There is something about speaking to people who are in the same boat. They are the only ones who fully understand the trials and tribulations of it all. No matter what you say or how bad or mental any thoughts are they just accept it without telling you your going mad or to pull yourself together. In fact, they usually say, I've felt like that or I've done that. They make me feel normal.
As for Lisa, it's one of those situations like watching The Great Escape where no matter how often you watch, you hope Steve McQueen gets over the fence on that bloody motorbike. It's the same with Lisa, you hope the outcome is different for her even though you know it isn't. I'm glad the film doesn't show her in the hospice lying there waiting to die. The very best thing about The C Word is Lisa's zest for life. Yes her life was far too short and her family are struggling still (and always will) but what a mark she made on us in that short life and just how many people has she helped? Next time I open a bottle of wine Lisa Lynch I will raise a glass to you.
Thursday 22 June 2017
Time To Reflect
I appreciate I haven't written anything on the blog for a few months. This isn't because I no longer have cancer in my life. It's always there on a daily basis, but I AM trying to have a year off because I fear what will happen when I go back in what is now 10 months time. Yes, I count off the days.
There is no doubt that life is better. I DO have lots of cancer free time. Silly things happen that bring it to the forefront quite regularly. I dozed off to sleep one afternoon last week and dreamt that my mobile was ringing. When I got to the phone it said 'cancer nurses" on the screen but when I answered the line had gone dead. I woke in an absolute panic and it upset me for days. It sounds really silly I know but the calls from the hospital and the cancer nurses always made my heart stop as the calls generally gave bad news. That part of it all is still clearly etched on my mind. I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone, the fear, worry and anxiety are very difficult to deal with.
Then there is the constant checking of toilet paper when I have been to the loo. This part will never go away I am sure of that but I tell myself it is a good thing because I will spot something early should there be a problem.
My life is still in limbo to a certain extent. Anyone who has not been through a similar situation would never understand what it can be like. I think once you have been told you have cancer, you are never quite the same again, your life definitely changes.
I'm not juicing carrots now. I'm not really juicing anything. I make fresh lemonade and orange juice a couple of times a week which uses around 20 pieces of fruit. I've read that oranges and lemons can cause cancer because of the sugar and also the acid. I've read that it can stop cancer too. The only reason I do it is because I still try to have more fruit and veg and sometimes the only way to get anywhere near 10 a day is to have some juice. I worry about the cancer connections to food but as almost everything you eat that has some sort of cancer connection so it's difficult to deal with. I'm still not having much red meat. I avoid processed meat but it's difficult not to have it at all particularly when we are invited to friends houses and they have cooked for us. I cook Sunday lunch for my family. That's the only time I actually buy either a joint of pork or beef. I probably have bacon about once a month and avoid sausage completely. As it is now bbq weather (and the AGA is off!) I will definitely be having a bit more red meat but it will only be seasonal while the weather is good! Where possible I try to stick to chicken and fish. 2 days a week I try to have vegetarian food. I cannot cut out chocolate which has been my downfall - well - all my life! Chocolate holds a big cancer connection due to sugar.
With all of this going on I haven't lost any weight but then, 10 pieces of fruit would be in excess of 500 calories and that's before eating anything else.
So my life goes on and I try to make the best of it. I dread the letter arriving asking me to go in for the next colonoscopy. It shouldn't arrive until next year meaning I can have a relatively good Christmas without having to worry too much. I guess once the new year is here it will bring with it more anxiety. I daren't even hope for this, but if nothing is found when I go back I will definitely be able to move on with my life. However, what happened to the 3 nodes that were found in my colon? I'm sure they won't have just disappeared and I feel concerned by what they could be doing. These were not mentioned at the last colonoscopy and I regret not asking about them as wondering if they are growing or not can consume me.
Generally, no one mentions cancer to me anymore. My family think everything is fine and my friends avoid talking about it so I go on in my own private little world with my own thoughts worries and anxieties. Fortunately, these bad times are not constant and I can deal with them and life really is quite good right now.
There is no doubt that life is better. I DO have lots of cancer free time. Silly things happen that bring it to the forefront quite regularly. I dozed off to sleep one afternoon last week and dreamt that my mobile was ringing. When I got to the phone it said 'cancer nurses" on the screen but when I answered the line had gone dead. I woke in an absolute panic and it upset me for days. It sounds really silly I know but the calls from the hospital and the cancer nurses always made my heart stop as the calls generally gave bad news. That part of it all is still clearly etched on my mind. I wouldn't wish that situation on anyone, the fear, worry and anxiety are very difficult to deal with.
Then there is the constant checking of toilet paper when I have been to the loo. This part will never go away I am sure of that but I tell myself it is a good thing because I will spot something early should there be a problem.
My life is still in limbo to a certain extent. Anyone who has not been through a similar situation would never understand what it can be like. I think once you have been told you have cancer, you are never quite the same again, your life definitely changes.
I'm not juicing carrots now. I'm not really juicing anything. I make fresh lemonade and orange juice a couple of times a week which uses around 20 pieces of fruit. I've read that oranges and lemons can cause cancer because of the sugar and also the acid. I've read that it can stop cancer too. The only reason I do it is because I still try to have more fruit and veg and sometimes the only way to get anywhere near 10 a day is to have some juice. I worry about the cancer connections to food but as almost everything you eat that has some sort of cancer connection so it's difficult to deal with. I'm still not having much red meat. I avoid processed meat but it's difficult not to have it at all particularly when we are invited to friends houses and they have cooked for us. I cook Sunday lunch for my family. That's the only time I actually buy either a joint of pork or beef. I probably have bacon about once a month and avoid sausage completely. As it is now bbq weather (and the AGA is off!) I will definitely be having a bit more red meat but it will only be seasonal while the weather is good! Where possible I try to stick to chicken and fish. 2 days a week I try to have vegetarian food. I cannot cut out chocolate which has been my downfall - well - all my life! Chocolate holds a big cancer connection due to sugar.
With all of this going on I haven't lost any weight but then, 10 pieces of fruit would be in excess of 500 calories and that's before eating anything else.
So my life goes on and I try to make the best of it. I dread the letter arriving asking me to go in for the next colonoscopy. It shouldn't arrive until next year meaning I can have a relatively good Christmas without having to worry too much. I guess once the new year is here it will bring with it more anxiety. I daren't even hope for this, but if nothing is found when I go back I will definitely be able to move on with my life. However, what happened to the 3 nodes that were found in my colon? I'm sure they won't have just disappeared and I feel concerned by what they could be doing. These were not mentioned at the last colonoscopy and I regret not asking about them as wondering if they are growing or not can consume me.
Generally, no one mentions cancer to me anymore. My family think everything is fine and my friends avoid talking about it so I go on in my own private little world with my own thoughts worries and anxieties. Fortunately, these bad times are not constant and I can deal with them and life really is quite good right now.
Friday 14 April 2017
Sigmoidoscopy
I had built myself up in to a right old state for the colonoscopy I had this week. In fact, had I read the letter properly when it came from the hospital I would have known I was having a sigmoidoscopy and not a colonoscopy. I would have also known that the top man himself was going to do the procedure so I'm glad I didn't see this until the night before because I would have assumed he was concerned about something he had seen on my MRI scans and wanted to check for himself. I also didn't know the appointment was at a completely different hospital so it's a good job I took the trouble to look.
A sigmoidoscopy is not as bad as a colonoscopy in my opinion. However, the last one I had was nevertheless painful and I wasn't looking forward to it.
I had started to drink the prep the night before as instructed. I can actually just about stomach the taste, it's not great but I manage. That is until the last glass.. by then my gag reflex kicks in and I struggle to keep it all down.
The whole process is a struggle. The fact that the constant trips to the loo keep you from leaving the house for the best part of 24 hours is hard work. It's not that you can go for a walk or go out in the car to help take your mind off the procedure the next day, you are just stuck in the loo with your thoughts. Added to that, no food for 24 hours (or more) and the fact that the constant trips to the loo are actually quite exhausting, it doesn't make for a great experience and the huger and weakness are unpleasant.
The following morning at 6AM I had to take the second lot of Prep.
I'd recommend that anyone having either the sigmoidoscopy or colonoscopy use vaseline or sudocrem on their backside before taking the first Prep and to continue using it after every toilet visit thereafter. I had read this advice online but didn't bother to follow it for my first procedure back in October. Needless to say, my bottom was so sore I could barely even wipe it after a few hours because the stinging and soreness had gone through the roof.
The magic eye used in the procedures hurt when inserted but only because of the sore bottom. I have the added joyfulness of having piles which had inflamed with all the toilet visits and they too were painful. The stinging sensation from soap was like vinegar in the eye. It stung a lot. No doubt everyone's experiences will be different though.
The actual procedure this time was all but painless. I've read about other people's experiences where they have said they had little or no pain but I couldn't believe it after the excruciating pain I had with my first colonoscopy and I certainly had far more pain with the previous sigmoidoscopy. I assume now that this is down to the person doing the procedure. I chatted to the nurses all the way through and I couldn't have done that before. The pain previously has been like giving birth and the only words I could have spat our would have been swear words. They offer gas and air and a sedative but I had neither on this occasion.. as mentioned in previous posts, the sedative doesn't work on me and I was too afraid to have gas and air because I behave like a drunk teenager and swear an awful lot.
The oncologist would never know how his warm words calmed me but I'm grateful to him for them "how are you my lovely".. During the procedure, he struggled to find the site where the cancerous polyp had been removed from. He eventually found something that he assumed must be it as there was a lack of anything else that could be an option. There were no cancerous spores. I was too afraid to be happy at this information initially because I didn't know what else they were looking for. No mention was made of the three lymph nodes that were found on the MRI back in February and I didn't feel able to ask about them. I don't have to go back for 12 months. This was the best I could have ever hoped for. I'm sure anyone having the same problems as me would grab at the chance of having a cancerous polyp removed and there being no sign of cancer 3 months later. I don't know whether there will be any sign of it in 12 months, no one could possibly know. I'd like to say that I feel wonderful but I don't. I am happy, of course I am but the whole ordeal lives on in my mind and I wake up in a cold sweat, I get night terrors and I'm struggling to get rid of the cancer diagnosis in my mind. I'm sure it will pass. I hope it does.
A sigmoidoscopy is not as bad as a colonoscopy in my opinion. However, the last one I had was nevertheless painful and I wasn't looking forward to it.
I had started to drink the prep the night before as instructed. I can actually just about stomach the taste, it's not great but I manage. That is until the last glass.. by then my gag reflex kicks in and I struggle to keep it all down.
The whole process is a struggle. The fact that the constant trips to the loo keep you from leaving the house for the best part of 24 hours is hard work. It's not that you can go for a walk or go out in the car to help take your mind off the procedure the next day, you are just stuck in the loo with your thoughts. Added to that, no food for 24 hours (or more) and the fact that the constant trips to the loo are actually quite exhausting, it doesn't make for a great experience and the huger and weakness are unpleasant.
The following morning at 6AM I had to take the second lot of Prep.
I'd recommend that anyone having either the sigmoidoscopy or colonoscopy use vaseline or sudocrem on their backside before taking the first Prep and to continue using it after every toilet visit thereafter. I had read this advice online but didn't bother to follow it for my first procedure back in October. Needless to say, my bottom was so sore I could barely even wipe it after a few hours because the stinging and soreness had gone through the roof.
The magic eye used in the procedures hurt when inserted but only because of the sore bottom. I have the added joyfulness of having piles which had inflamed with all the toilet visits and they too were painful. The stinging sensation from soap was like vinegar in the eye. It stung a lot. No doubt everyone's experiences will be different though.
The actual procedure this time was all but painless. I've read about other people's experiences where they have said they had little or no pain but I couldn't believe it after the excruciating pain I had with my first colonoscopy and I certainly had far more pain with the previous sigmoidoscopy. I assume now that this is down to the person doing the procedure. I chatted to the nurses all the way through and I couldn't have done that before. The pain previously has been like giving birth and the only words I could have spat our would have been swear words. They offer gas and air and a sedative but I had neither on this occasion.. as mentioned in previous posts, the sedative doesn't work on me and I was too afraid to have gas and air because I behave like a drunk teenager and swear an awful lot.
The oncologist would never know how his warm words calmed me but I'm grateful to him for them "how are you my lovely".. During the procedure, he struggled to find the site where the cancerous polyp had been removed from. He eventually found something that he assumed must be it as there was a lack of anything else that could be an option. There were no cancerous spores. I was too afraid to be happy at this information initially because I didn't know what else they were looking for. No mention was made of the three lymph nodes that were found on the MRI back in February and I didn't feel able to ask about them. I don't have to go back for 12 months. This was the best I could have ever hoped for. I'm sure anyone having the same problems as me would grab at the chance of having a cancerous polyp removed and there being no sign of cancer 3 months later. I don't know whether there will be any sign of it in 12 months, no one could possibly know. I'd like to say that I feel wonderful but I don't. I am happy, of course I am but the whole ordeal lives on in my mind and I wake up in a cold sweat, I get night terrors and I'm struggling to get rid of the cancer diagnosis in my mind. I'm sure it will pass. I hope it does.
Tuesday 4 April 2017
Horses and Cannabis
Well I feel shitter than the shittest of shit things. It's totally not cancer related. In some ways I wish it was because I can probably deal with it better than I can deal with animal cruelty.
There are some horses a mile or so from us that seem to look more neglected by the day. Animals are my *thing*. I love them. Since moving to Wales the one thing I have been unable to cope with is the amount of neglected horses.
I've been a moody cow since last week. That IS cancer related. Well, the 'worry of cancer' related at least. It's knocked me sideways being asked to go back for a colonoscopy so quickly. I'm not in the best frame of mind. Needless to say, I've made my husband's life a misery by being snappy and I've been weepy. I haven't cried about cancer, but I've cried about everything else. As I've said before, I'm a cryer....it's one of my main hobbies.
The horse situation came to a head about 2 weeks ago. They are in a field but they are often neglected. Over the winter, the odd bale of silage has appeared complete with tight plastic covering which the horses have had to bite off to get at the food. They have got thinner and thinner. The plastic is strewn all over the field from every bale of silage they have had over the past 6 years, there is no grass. I bought a bag of pony nuts to feed the horses but I'm always a bit wary of bumping into the owner and being told off. I've heard he is not to be messed with so I'd rather not bloody mess with him quite frankly. I was also told by a horse charity that the RSPCA will not consider it urgent if the horses are being fed, even if they are being fed by concerned individuals and not the owner.
I took carrots last week (the ones I've stopped juicing!). One of the horses took to lying down a lot and I feared it wasn't well. I thought it may have eaten some of the plastic. Today, I have taken them pony nuts and when one of the other horses pushed the 'sick' pony away, it fell over and couldn't get back up it was so weak. It made an awful noise as it hit the floor. I can't get the sound out of my mind. It was so upsetting and I just couldn't stop crying. I decided I couldn't watch and hope someone else would get involved any longer and I rang a horse welfare organisation. They were closed so I left a message for them to call me back tomorrow. On driving back past the horses, we pulled over to see if the sick pony was OK and a woman approached the car with 'RSPCA' on her jacket. The cavalry! Yes, I thought, someone has got more balls than me and has reported it. She asked if they were our horses. I couldn't have been more offended if she had rubbed horse shite in my face. I started to tell her of the horses plight but her phone rang, a vet apparently, and she had to dash off.
The sick pony has now been taken from the field. I'm relieved. The other three remain. I'm gutted. I've since been told that the owner was on TV having been prosecuted for leaving horses in a barn to starve to death. So this is it boys, this is war. That's the last time I wait and see if someone else has stood up for the horses. I support a local horse charity and I contacted them last week. Initially they didn't seem too concerned but I've told them of today's events and they have said that now that the horses are on the radar, none of this will happen again as they will monitor it. Believe it or not, you can buy a horse these day for £5. People buy them and then cannot afford to feed them and so they end up in the most miserable situation. They deserve so much better than my tears.
I've asked so many people about the horses that I fully expect the angry owner knocking on my door at some point. He's way down on the list of things bothering me right now.
I think I've got anxiety. It's a self diagnosis, well, not quite, it was with the help of Jeremy Vine and his radio 2 show yesterday! I've previously thought I was just a bit mad but after hearing people describe their anxiety symptoms, I realised that I have most, if not all of them. This became more apparent today when my husband was trying to park between two cars on the supermarket car park and I almost had a nervous breakdown. I cried again. It was probably the worst anxiety I have felt and it was over something and nothing. People on the radio were saying they had taken cannabis to help with the symptoms but the doctor on the show said it was a bad idea as it makes you anxious. I've never smoked and I would worry about cannabis side effects. I knew someone who grew some in the garden once and her rabbit ate it. She couldn't take the rabbit to the vets for fear of the police finding out (I'm going back about 30 years when it wasn't as tolerated as now) so the rabbit spent 2 days rolling around the garden like Dylan from the Magic Roundabout.
Years ago we lived quite close to some Hells Angels. I know, I paint a very idyllic picture! They invited us round to a bonfire party they threw for the local community every year. I looked after elderly people at the time and they told us to take some of them along, which we did. Upon arrival, we were told not to let the older people have the stew. It had cannabis in it. They could have the jacket potatoes and any of the other food available. Unfortunately, the old dears didn't listen to me saying not to have the stew and ladled it into dishes. I don't know how we got them home. Fortunately, it seemed to do them some good as they all said they hadn't had such a good night's sleep in years.
There are some horses a mile or so from us that seem to look more neglected by the day. Animals are my *thing*. I love them. Since moving to Wales the one thing I have been unable to cope with is the amount of neglected horses.
I've been a moody cow since last week. That IS cancer related. Well, the 'worry of cancer' related at least. It's knocked me sideways being asked to go back for a colonoscopy so quickly. I'm not in the best frame of mind. Needless to say, I've made my husband's life a misery by being snappy and I've been weepy. I haven't cried about cancer, but I've cried about everything else. As I've said before, I'm a cryer....it's one of my main hobbies.
The horse situation came to a head about 2 weeks ago. They are in a field but they are often neglected. Over the winter, the odd bale of silage has appeared complete with tight plastic covering which the horses have had to bite off to get at the food. They have got thinner and thinner. The plastic is strewn all over the field from every bale of silage they have had over the past 6 years, there is no grass. I bought a bag of pony nuts to feed the horses but I'm always a bit wary of bumping into the owner and being told off. I've heard he is not to be messed with so I'd rather not bloody mess with him quite frankly. I was also told by a horse charity that the RSPCA will not consider it urgent if the horses are being fed, even if they are being fed by concerned individuals and not the owner.
I took carrots last week (the ones I've stopped juicing!). One of the horses took to lying down a lot and I feared it wasn't well. I thought it may have eaten some of the plastic. Today, I have taken them pony nuts and when one of the other horses pushed the 'sick' pony away, it fell over and couldn't get back up it was so weak. It made an awful noise as it hit the floor. I can't get the sound out of my mind. It was so upsetting and I just couldn't stop crying. I decided I couldn't watch and hope someone else would get involved any longer and I rang a horse welfare organisation. They were closed so I left a message for them to call me back tomorrow. On driving back past the horses, we pulled over to see if the sick pony was OK and a woman approached the car with 'RSPCA' on her jacket. The cavalry! Yes, I thought, someone has got more balls than me and has reported it. She asked if they were our horses. I couldn't have been more offended if she had rubbed horse shite in my face. I started to tell her of the horses plight but her phone rang, a vet apparently, and she had to dash off.
The sick pony has now been taken from the field. I'm relieved. The other three remain. I'm gutted. I've since been told that the owner was on TV having been prosecuted for leaving horses in a barn to starve to death. So this is it boys, this is war. That's the last time I wait and see if someone else has stood up for the horses. I support a local horse charity and I contacted them last week. Initially they didn't seem too concerned but I've told them of today's events and they have said that now that the horses are on the radar, none of this will happen again as they will monitor it. Believe it or not, you can buy a horse these day for £5. People buy them and then cannot afford to feed them and so they end up in the most miserable situation. They deserve so much better than my tears.
I've asked so many people about the horses that I fully expect the angry owner knocking on my door at some point. He's way down on the list of things bothering me right now.
I think I've got anxiety. It's a self diagnosis, well, not quite, it was with the help of Jeremy Vine and his radio 2 show yesterday! I've previously thought I was just a bit mad but after hearing people describe their anxiety symptoms, I realised that I have most, if not all of them. This became more apparent today when my husband was trying to park between two cars on the supermarket car park and I almost had a nervous breakdown. I cried again. It was probably the worst anxiety I have felt and it was over something and nothing. People on the radio were saying they had taken cannabis to help with the symptoms but the doctor on the show said it was a bad idea as it makes you anxious. I've never smoked and I would worry about cannabis side effects. I knew someone who grew some in the garden once and her rabbit ate it. She couldn't take the rabbit to the vets for fear of the police finding out (I'm going back about 30 years when it wasn't as tolerated as now) so the rabbit spent 2 days rolling around the garden like Dylan from the Magic Roundabout.
Years ago we lived quite close to some Hells Angels. I know, I paint a very idyllic picture! They invited us round to a bonfire party they threw for the local community every year. I looked after elderly people at the time and they told us to take some of them along, which we did. Upon arrival, we were told not to let the older people have the stew. It had cannabis in it. They could have the jacket potatoes and any of the other food available. Unfortunately, the old dears didn't listen to me saying not to have the stew and ladled it into dishes. I don't know how we got them home. Fortunately, it seemed to do them some good as they all said they hadn't had such a good night's sleep in years.
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